Second Runner-Up, 2016 Gilmer County Toddler Toss



Office coffee urn consistently empty

By Grace Stiffsock
SAN FRANCISCO — Workers on the seventh floor of a downtown office building are frequently under-caffeinated, according to sources. The cause? A persistently empty coffee urn that nobody ever seems to replenish. “To me, it’s a matter of common courtesy,” said Shane Tepper, whose cubicle abuts the floor’s southern wall. “You finish the coffee, you brew more. Remember that rule from summer camp, ‘you kill it, you fill it’? Nobody follows that rule here. It’s just not right.” At the time of writing, the coffee urn was still bone dry.



Aluminum Key Award for Most Average Senior Thesis



Grow the Fuck Up Foundation Certificate of Immaturity



Local man disappointed by early closure of sandwich shop

By Dwight Saltpacket
SAN FRANCISCO — Last Wednesday evening at approximately 5:17 pm, Shane Tepper, 31, arrived at Pastrami Bill’s sandwich shop on Market Street to a most unwelcome surprise: a “sorry, we’re closed” sign hanging in the window. “They’re supposed to be open until 5:30,” said an exasperated Tepper. “That’s what it said on Google.” When pressed for further comment, Tepper explained, “When I knocked on the door and gestured to my watch, the clerk, who was sweeping, just shrugged. I was really craving their Tom Turkey Club. I’m a bit miffed to say the least.”



Riverwood High School Class of 2005's Most Likely to Drive a Used Saturn Vue



Range hood already dirty despite being cleaned days ago

By Jennifer Nipplesby
SAN FRANCISCO — Mere days after thoroughly cleaning his kitchen, Shane Tepper, 31, noticed something disconcerting: the top surface of his apartment’s exhaust hood was already coated in a layer of dust. “I wiped it clean with a damp paper towel, then dried it so junk wouldn’t stick to it,” said a visibly shaken Tepper. “I can’t believe it’s already dirty again. It’s just so soon.” Tepper later added, “We have the windows open a lot, so maybe that’s why? I don’t know.” At press time, sources confirmed that Tepper would be shifting his focus to the rust stain under the bathroom faucet.  



Robin Williams Award for Achievement in Body Hair